What do I say to an unbelieving friend struggling in life?

August 21, 2024

When an unbelieving friend struggles, we can embody Christ’s love, gently share truth, and trust God to work through our words, presence, and prayers.

I’ve had this conversation more than a few times. An unbelieving friend’s life has taken a series of troubling turns—problems at work, a strained marriage, the sudden loss of a loved one. He comes to me and asks, “Why is everything falling apart? What’s the point of it all?” The weight of his question seems to hang in the air. I know that, without Christ, the answers he is searching for will never fully satisfy.

Many of us have faced moments like this with friends or loved ones who don’t believe in Jesus. How do we respond when someone we care about is struggling yet rejects the very hope they need? What can we say when they ask those hard questions that only God’s word can answer?

Begin with compassion

Before all else, we should meet our unbelieving friends with deep compassion. When Jesus encountered suffering people, he didn’t start with a sermon. His interactions began with loving concern. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd (Mt 9:36). Similarly, our first response should be to listen and weep with those who weep (Ro 12:15). Offer a shoulder to lean on.

Our friends’ difficulties aren’t just opportunities to preach the gospel. They are opportunities to embody the love of Christ. So, resist the urge to offer quick fixes or platitudes. Sometimes, the best approach is to sit silently, letting our presence testify to God’s care.

Gently speak the truth

While compassion is our starting point, we should also be willing to point people to the truth, albeit gently. People often become more open to meaningful, spiritual conversations in the crucible of suffering. The pain of life has a way of stripping away illusions, forcing us to confront our deepest needs.

In these moments, speak the truth with humility. Acknowledge that life is filled with trials and that none of us are immune to suffering. Thankfully, Scripture doesn’t shy away from the reality of pain. We can point to the Psalms, where David pours out his anguish to God or Job, who wrestles with the agony of unexplained loss. These stories remind us that suffering is part of the human condition. But they also point us to the bigger story of redemption and hope in Jesus Christ.

One of the most powerful truths we can share is that we live in a broken world. Sin has marred God’s good creation, and because of that, suffering is inevitable. But this isn’t the end of the story. God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life (Jn 3:16). Jesus entered our brokenness, took on our suffering, and made a way for us to be reconciled to God. This is the hope that we can gently share with our unbelieving friends. In Christ, suffering is not meaningless. It has a purpose and an end.

Offer a different perspective

Your friend is likely viewing their struggles through a lens of despair. Without faith in God, life’s pain can seem random, cruel, and purposeless. But as Christians, we have a different perspective. We see suffering as part of that larger story of God’s redemption.

When talking to an unbeliever, sharing how your faith shapes your understanding of suffering can be helpful. Be honest about your struggles and how they have driven you to Christ. We may not always understand why we go through hard times, but we can trust that God is at work in our pain. We know that for those who love God, all things work together for good (Ro 8:28). No, not everything will turn out how we want, but God is using our hardships to shape us and fulfill his greater purpose.

You can also point to the cross. Jesus’ suffering wasn’t pointless. It was the very means by which God brought about salvation. Similarly, God can use the suffering in our lives for his redemptive purposes. This understanding doesn’t eliminate our pain but is the perspective we need to endure.

Be patient

One of the most challenging aspects of these conversations is knowing when to push forward and when to pull back. Your friend may not be ready to hear the fuller message of the gospel just yet. If not, be patient. You’re not responsible for converting them. That work belongs exclusively to the Holy Spirit. Your role is to plant seeds, water them with love, and trust God to give the growth.

Don’t feel pressured to have all the answers. Sometimes, being honest about the mystery of suffering can be a powerful witness. When Paul was afflicted with a thorn in the flesh, he pleaded with God for relief. But instead of removing the thorn, God told him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2Co 12:9). While we don’t always understand God’s ways, his grace will always be enough.

Extend an invitation

Finally, don’t be afraid to extend an invitation to your friend. Invite them to talk more, read the Bible with you, or attend church. They may not be ready to commit, but even a tiny step is a move in the right direction. Jesus said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28). This invitation is for everyone, especially our unbelieving friends.

When extending this invitation, emphasize that Jesus offers rest and peace that the world cannot give. Be clear that he doesn’t promise to fix all our problems, but he does promise to walk with us through them. “In this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (Jn 16:33). This is the only hope we have to offer, and it’s the only true hope anyone can have.

Trust in God’s timing

As you walk with friends through their struggles, remember that God is at work, even if you can’t see it. Conversion can take a while—sometimes, only after many conversations and prayers. Trust that God is using your words, presence, and compassion to draw your friend closer to him.

Above all, commit your friends to prayer. Pray that God would soften their hearts and open their eyes. And rest in the knowledge that God is patient, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance (2Pe 3:9).

When our unbelieving friends are struggling, we have an incredible opportunity to be the hands and feet of Christ. Through our love, truth, and compassion, we can lead them to the author and perfecter of our faith—the one who offers hope and healing in the darkest circumstances.