The ‘frighteningly vulnerable’ intimacy of marriage

September 5, 2024

The naked truth is that there is no other human experience where two people are more fully known by one another than in the marriage bed—flaws, quirks, stretch marks, and all.

The marital relationship is a frighteningly vulnerable one. When we enter this covenant, we are entrusting ourselves fully to another person. They have our heart, and the intricacies of our lives are opened up before them. They come to know our strongest desires and our deepest fears, they come to know our idiosyncrasies and our quirks, they see us—more than any other person—as we truly are. And this vulnerability is uniquely experienced when we are known sexually. Why is it so shocking to imagine Adam and Eve naked and, somehow, unashamed before each other? It’s because of our sexuality. As Tremper Longman says, “It is precisely in the area of sexuality (‘nakedness’) that their intimacy and total vulnerability to one another is expressed most powerfully.” Nothing expresses our vulnerability more strikingly than being completely nude together. Your body is exposed. You are exposed. Your safety and security are placed in the hands of another. You are laid bare. While sex is not the ultimate experience of human vulnerability, it is a uniquely powerful one. And the vulnerability of sex is only heightened by its exclusivity.

— Scott Mehl, Redeeming Sex In Marriage

Scott Mehl’s description of marriage as a “frighteningly vulnerable” relationship is spot on. When you say “I do,” you’re not just sharing a last name and a mortgage. You’re offering up your heart, your insecurities, your quirks—the whole package. It’s as if you’re handing over the keys to your most private sanctum and saying, “Here, do what you will.” There’s a certain loss of control that happens in this exchange, but what makes it uniquely unsettling is that this vulnerability is magnified in sexual intimacy.

The Bible doesn’t waste any time getting to this point. Adam and Eve, in Genesis 2:25, are described as “naked and not ashamed.” It’s a picture that feels foreign to us, steeped as we are in a world of carefully curated personas and insecurities hidden behind screens and filters. Naked and not ashamed? If that doesn’t sound foreign, you’ve probably never tried on swimwear under fluorescent lighting.

There’s something about sex that brings all of this vulnerability to the surface in the most tangible way possible. Mehl quotes Tremper Longman, pointing out that this vulnerability is most acutely expressed through sexuality. Being physically naked is one thing, but being laid bare emotionally, spiritually, and relationally—that’s a whole new level. It’s not just our skin that’s exposed. It’s the soul.

Of course, we all like to imagine we’re masters of our vulnerability. We think we can hide behind sarcasm or deflect with humor—I’m guilty, as my wife will attest—but in marriage, and especially in the sexual union, there’s no mask. The naked truth, if you will, is that there is no other human experience where two people are more fully known by one another than in the marriage bed. This is where you are most yourself—flaws, quirks, stretch marks, and all. And somehow, in God’s design, this exposure is meant to be the safest place we ever find ourselves.

The trust that’s required is massive. Proverbs describes a virtuous wife whose husband has full confidence in her (Pr 31:11). This isn’t just about running the household or managing the family finances. It’s about the profound trust that allows someone to see the most unfiltered version of you and still love you, not despite what they see, but in the midst of it.

The heart of marital intimacy is the risk of being fully known and yet fully loved.

The ‘frighteningly vulnerable’ intimacy of marriage

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