Jeremy E. Sarber

Love is a funny game we play. I am 27-years old and still single. I do not consider that to be a problem but I would be lying if I told anyone that I never get lonely from time to time. It wasn’t too long ago that I was on a preaching trip out of state and was sick with a tremendous head cold. I remember laying in a strange bed in a strange home, feeling just miserable, and thinking to myself, “Man, I wish I had someone here with me.”

I have been one to analyze almost any situation. I’ve always been the guy that sits quietly in the back of the room watching everyone else interact. I’m always taking mental notes. In that sense, I am a student of life. I love to learn and have learned the most through, not only my own experiences, but the experiences of others. Perhaps there is not an aspect of life that I have analyzed more than dating and premarital relationships.

When I was younger, I had a terrible misunderstanding of love. I believed in the idea of “falling in love”. It is that Hollywood concept where an uncontrollable force of emotions bend you to its mercy and you have no choice but to desire after the person whom this force has prearranged for you. I have since learned there was something of extreme importance missing from that equation. I suppose in my case, it should be called common sense. I dated or “fell for” a number of girls that were all kinds of wrong for me. I knew it, but what could I do? I was “in love”.

Several years ago, my mind swayed to a new perspective of love and dating. Truth be told, I went from one extreme to another. It suddenly dawned on me; it’s not about what you feel but what you know. I began trying to devise scientific formulas for dating. I used to joke on occasion that I should write up a questionnaire and give it to my dates so that I could analyze the answers and quickly determine if this was the girl for me. Since my heart had led me wrong so many times before I came to believe my head must know the way.

With a few more life lessons in my mental notepad, my position on love came to settle somewhere between the two. There is place in the equation for both the head and the heart. While the head is useful for determining such fundamental, often non-negotiable qualities in the other person of interest, the heart must also play its part. Let me better explain the role of each.

I am a Primitive Baptist church pastor. It would sufficient enough though for me to say that I am a Christian. I have no intention of dating someone who does not also share my beliefs and general worldview. So this is a quality I would define as fundamental. In other words, I am not interested at all in involving myself with someone that lacks this particular quality. This is where the head comes in. My head understands this simple concept but my heart would be more than willing to overlook it for the mere sake of having companionship.

While my head gauges the presence or absence of the fundamentals, it cannot be left to do all of the work. The head has the capability to compile an exhaustive list of qualities, characteristics, and personality traits you might want in a companion, but like many concepts, it often looks better on paper than in reality. To give you an example, I once dated a girl that shared too many things in common with me to even list. To make a long story short, things definitely did not work out between us. On the other hand, I shared almost nothing in common with the last girl I dated, she never would have been someone I would have picked based on my own mentally compiled list, yet we got along great and still do. I’m not even sure that chapter in my life has been closed yet. My point is that there is a connection to be had with another person which the head cannot define. This is the part where the heart shines.

Through my experiences, my heart has more often gotten in the way of my head than the contrary. I have noted the experiences of others to be the opposite in many cases. For instance, some would allow their heads to factor in information into the equation that is nothing more than irrelevant. I have a sister who married a man living 800 miles away from her. Not to say this was the case, but perhaps her head said, “You can’t get involved with this guy. Look how far away he lives.” There is no doubt in my mind, for obvious reasons, that her heart was saying something quite different. Had she not allowed her head to stop getting in the way of her heart, they would not be happily married today.

The head and the heart must both be allowed to serve their functions. One cannot call all of the shots. This is my sincere understanding to date. If you feel I am yet misguided, I welcome your comments.